No cheating! Show how you used to look back in college

## Colophon tags:: url:: https://protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email date:: [[]] %% title:: No cheating! Show how you used to look back in college. type:: [[clipped-note]] author:: [[@protimatiwary.substack.com]] %% ## Notes > I had dreams, I had confidence in my plans, and so much control over my life. Do you feel the same about your life too? I used to think of it as the innocence of youth, but now I realise it was arrogance — [view in context](https://hyp.is/VmtLqNgNEe-2NocsD4UGvw/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > Everything felt so simple, so easy, like the world was mine to figure out. Looking back, it’s quite humbling to see how much I had to learn. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/WjLXGtgNEe-EkS_BSMn3Hg/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I shifted my personality-both online and offline-for someone who still ghosted me and left me with abandonment issues. I had to earn my approval, you see, just the way I had to earn my calories, my praises and what not. Looking back, I see how I had lost myself in trying to be everything for someone else, forgetting that I deserved kindness and respect too. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/gMYKZNgNEe-ShfPpSQFRBQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > By 35, I thought I’d have it all figured out-a stable career, solid finances, a cosy home with a loving family, frequent vacations, and great health. I’d wake up early every morning and go jogging with my partner. We’d play a sport once every week. We’d lead highly disciplined lives, just like the way I did while growing up. I’d make lists and he would fix things. I’d have a running list of little joys - “look at me when I talk", “let’s get ice cream?” “road rip!” “hold me!” “let’s travel, I am bored” - and I would get them all. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/ho4chNgNEe-ea5t7rphxeA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > imagine my shock when I realised I had to rebuild everything-my life, my routines, and my sense of self after years of settling into the comfort of convenient relationships. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/lwhJNtgNEe-w9WutGZSAeQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > It was about facing the unfamiliar and starting from scratch in a world that seemed to have changed so much. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/skCr2tgNEe-Ek4vz7Gn6YQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > But here’s the thing-it got better. Because this time, I knew exactly what I was looking for. I stayed single for over a year, going on a few dates here and there. The men I met were wonderful in their own ways, but there was always something missing for both of us. And that was okay. Could I have said the same about the boys I met in my 20s? Absolutely not. Back then, I was too caught up in the idea of being wanted to even ask myself what I wanted. This time, I could say no with clarity and yes with intention, and that made all the difference. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/slBE8NgNEe-8HT_mbZ0-fg/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I learnt to slow down — [view in context](https://hyp.is/trDzqtgNEe-Spnf-DbMqKw/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I understood the meaning and value of empathy — [view in context](https://hyp.is/uvYthtgNEe-iEM_eGgT-rA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I learnt how to sit with grief instead of feeling ashamed of it — [view in context](https://hyp.is/wSI8ctgNEe-vOp_gE8aFow/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I stopped being high-functioning and learnt how to be soft. I stopped being so rigid about the world- I learn that this isn’t black or white, grey is a beautiful colour too. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/7Ee5XtgNEe-Snr_VHHB9nA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > for myself, I made choices that made me happy. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/7FRWqtgNEe-iHwt81WbAvA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > And when I started doing this work, the good things started happening too! — [view in context](https://hyp.is/9n7lltgNEe-MXjsx1DpCNw/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > But unlike in my 20s, where the good was often external and temporary, this time the goodness was coming from within — [view in context](https://hyp.is/_r8LUNgNEe-mVlfCq1Gl0g/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) - Annotation: Goals. > My life plans started looking different too- I would build a career that gave me creative satisfaction. I would be confident of my relationship with money, and have trustworthy connections who I could turn to for help... I would learn how to ask for help! I would travel every now and then, and focus on traveling slow — [view in context](https://hyp.is/Qm8M7NgOEe-iI49_txaS4Q/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) - Annotation: Goals, again. > the day would end with wholesome dinner conversations at the dinner table — [view in context](https://hyp.is/YmjubtgOEe-Gpf9LWxR1sg/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I’d also secretly daydream about days where I woke up next to someone, went about my day, but returned home with a smile on my face because I was lucky enough to end the day with someone who I could trust to love me. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/aCqHhtgOEe-_HxPZeuR-8A/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I understand nuance, empathy, and the value of hearing others out. I’ve learned that you can find so much strength when you are able to lean into those moments of trust and connection with each other. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/iCcUZNgOEe-SyvMXcGuIkQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I train regularly, I travel often, and I’m in a career that brings me creative fulfillment. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/lfk-vtgOEe-Kx2OfM5c2-g/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) - Annotation: Goals, 3 :P > On the tough days, I let these "failures" feel like personal setbacks, making me wonder if I’m adulting right. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/trXiYNgOEe-_gQdlo1AGzQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > There are days when I focus on the wrong things and forget to be grateful for my steady sources of love who have made all my dreams come true. I can ask for help, communicate, rot in bed, ask to be held, be my neediest self without being asked any questions, and end my days feeling soft, comforted and safe. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/1wz04NgOEe-upYcV6-8eWg/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > They’re passing thoughts that seem so significant in the moment but fade into the background when I focus on what truly matters. Over time, I have learned to shift my attention to the things that bring joy- a loving home, cosy TV nights, and quiet, shared moments with my partner. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/3D0xWtgOEe-PWDPmB7NgUA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > Now, when the worry creeps in, I remind myself to choose the good things again and again, and trust that everything else will find its place. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/6CdoKNgOEe-ix6N84j0NeA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > So, life may not have turned out exactly the way you imagined, with the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your time here with. You’re changing your habits and adapting new a new lifestyle, trying your best to be healthy while managing a career and household responsibilities. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/ETfNrNgPEe-I1ks2X5VGtQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > Yeah, it’s all sad, but the best part about growing older is that we finally have the confidence to give ourselves permission to pause and shed a few tears, because deep down, we know we’ll rise again, stronger, and more whole than before. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/E20Y3tgPEe-GqV8NG2C34w/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I had dreams, I had confidence in my plans, and so much control over my life. Do you feel the same about your life too? I used to think of it as the innocence of youth, but now I realise it was arrogance — [view in context](https://hyp.is/VmtLqNgNEe-2NocsD4UGvw/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > Everything felt so simple, so easy, like the world was mine to figure out. Looking back, it’s quite humbling to see how much I had to learn. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/WjLXGtgNEe-EkS_BSMn3Hg/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I shifted my personality-both online and offline-for someone who still ghosted me and left me with abandonment issues. I had to earn my approval, you see, just the way I had to earn my calories, my praises and what not. Looking back, I see how I had lost myself in trying to be everything for someone else, forgetting that I deserved kindness and respect too. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/gMYKZNgNEe-ShfPpSQFRBQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > By 35, I thought I’d have it all figured out-a stable career, solid finances, a cosy home with a loving family, frequent vacations, and great health. I’d wake up early every morning and go jogging with my partner. We’d play a sport once every week. We’d lead highly disciplined lives, just like the way I did while growing up. I’d make lists and he would fix things. I’d have a running list of little joys - “look at me when I talk", “let’s get ice cream?” “road rip!” “hold me!” “let’s travel, I am bored” - and I would get them all. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/ho4chNgNEe-ea5t7rphxeA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > imagine my shock when I realised I had to rebuild everything-my life, my routines, and my sense of self after years of settling into the comfort of convenient relationships. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/lwhJNtgNEe-w9WutGZSAeQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > It was about facing the unfamiliar and starting from scratch in a world that seemed to have changed so much. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/skCr2tgNEe-Ek4vz7Gn6YQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > But here’s the thing-it got better. Because this time, I knew exactly what I was looking for. I stayed single for over a year, going on a few dates here and there. The men I met were wonderful in their own ways, but there was always something missing for both of us. And that was okay. Could I have said the same about the boys I met in my 20s? Absolutely not. Back then, I was too caught up in the idea of being wanted to even ask myself what I wanted. This time, I could say no with clarity and yes with intention, and that made all the difference. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/slBE8NgNEe-8HT_mbZ0-fg/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I learnt to slow down — [view in context](https://hyp.is/trDzqtgNEe-Spnf-DbMqKw/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I understood the meaning and value of empathy — [view in context](https://hyp.is/uvYthtgNEe-iEM_eGgT-rA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I learnt how to sit with grief instead of feeling ashamed of it — [view in context](https://hyp.is/wSI8ctgNEe-vOp_gE8aFow/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I stopped being high-functioning and learnt how to be soft. I stopped being so rigid about the world- I learn that this isn’t black or white, grey is a beautiful colour too. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/7Ee5XtgNEe-Snr_VHHB9nA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > for myself, I made choices that made me happy. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/7FRWqtgNEe-iHwt81WbAvA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > And when I started doing this work, the good things started happening too! — [view in context](https://hyp.is/9n7lltgNEe-MXjsx1DpCNw/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > But unlike in my 20s, where the good was often external and temporary, this time the goodness was coming from within — [view in context](https://hyp.is/_r8LUNgNEe-mVlfCq1Gl0g/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) - Annotation: Goals.> My life plans started looking different too- I would build a career that gave me creative satisfaction. I would be confident of my relationship with money, and have trustworthy connections who I could turn to for help... I would learn how to ask for help! I would travel every now and then, and focus on traveling slow — [view in context](https://hyp.is/Qm8M7NgOEe-iI49_txaS4Q/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) - Annotation: Goals, again.> the day would end with wholesome dinner conversations at the dinner table — [view in context](https://hyp.is/YmjubtgOEe-Gpf9LWxR1sg/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I’d also secretly daydream about days where I woke up next to someone, went about my day, but returned home with a smile on my face because I was lucky enough to end the day with someone who I could trust to love me. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/aCqHhtgOEe-_HxPZeuR-8A/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I understand nuance, empathy, and the value of hearing others out. I’ve learned that you can find so much strength when you are able to lean into those moments of trust and connection with each other. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/iCcUZNgOEe-SyvMXcGuIkQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > I train regularly, I travel often, and I’m in a career that brings me creative fulfillment. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/lfk-vtgOEe-Kx2OfM5c2-g/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) - Annotation: Goals, 3 :P> On the tough days, I let these "failures" feel like personal setbacks, making me wonder if I’m adulting right. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/trXiYNgOEe-_gQdlo1AGzQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > There are days when I focus on the wrong things and forget to be grateful for my steady sources of love who have made all my dreams come true. I can ask for help, communicate, rot in bed, ask to be held, be my neediest self without being asked any questions, and end my days feeling soft, comforted and safe. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/1wz04NgOEe-upYcV6-8eWg/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > They’re passing thoughts that seem so significant in the moment but fade into the background when I focus on what truly matters. Over time, I have learned to shift my attention to the things that bring joy- a loving home, cosy TV nights, and quiet, shared moments with my partner. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/3D0xWtgOEe-PWDPmB7NgUA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > Now, when the worry creeps in, I remind myself to choose the good things again and again, and trust that everything else will find its place. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/6CdoKNgOEe-ix6N84j0NeA/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > So, life may not have turned out exactly the way you imagined, with the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your time here with. You’re changing your habits and adapting new a new lifestyle, trying your best to be healthy while managing a career and household responsibilities. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/ETfNrNgPEe-I1ks2X5VGtQ/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email) > Yeah, it’s all sad, but the best part about growing older is that we finally have the confidence to give ourselves permission to pause and shed a few tears, because deep down, we know we’ll rise again, stronger, and more whole than before. — [view in context](https://hyp.is/E20Y3tgPEe-GqV8NG2C34w/protimatiwary.substack.com/p/no-cheating-show-how-you-used-to?publication_id=367531&utm_campaign=email-post-title&r=dr99n&utm_medium=email)